Age is really just a number - I totally believe that - however my age is creeping ever so closer to 40. Yikes! lol But for now I'll just enjoy being in my late 30's. Crazy how time just keeps on moving right along!
I'll just take a minute and have a small pity party (because I can and because it's my blog). :) I'm 50/50 when I think back on where I wanted to be by now and what my reality is. And not in the oh I wanted to be married by this age, have kids by this age kind of way - but more of the living life with a career and family by this new age of mine. I've pretty much come to peace with all of this being out of my control however I can't help but wish things were just easier for us in the having a family category. I still often dream of the ease of getting pregnant and having a baby. Even though of course there are plenty of pregnancies that aren't easy - but in my world - in my head - I dream of just being late, testing and seeing a + and the normalcy that and the next 9 months would bring. I doubt that dream will ever go away but I've had to come to recognize it's just a dream and while it's a good one I can't dwell on it. I'm learning to be content with life as it is. Molly has helped teach me that. Course some days are harder than others. Some days I still get very angry with our infertility and other days I recognize it's made us stronger and more appreciative of what we do have. Some days I still get very sad when pregnancies are announced and other days I recognize what a special time this is for the happy parents to be. Some days I want to shake people for complaining about their kids and other days I recognize that I'll be (hopefully) complaining about mine one day too. :)
Luckily the anger and sadness has progressed way down over the last year and I am able to enjoy my life as it is and as it comes. It's been hard to plan the last few years around a huge what if and not feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a long time now - stuck in my career because we've been so focused on trying to have a family that I haven't wanted to move forward in it. Stuck in trying to have a family when nothing seemed to be working and wondering if I shouldn't move forward with my career and not play it safe. Stuck in wanting to make a big move out of state but knowing in case we do have a family we'd like to stay here for awhile and be around our families. Being stuck sucks! But over the last year, with each passing day contentment has pushed its way in and I see us as walking the path we were meant to walk - as opposed to being stuck. So instead of saying man I'm seriously going to be a new mom at age 37/38/insert more numbers? I'm saying Yay! I'm going to be a new mom at age 37/38/insert more numbers!!!!! And that is a very peaceful feeling in my heart.
/pity party over
As we continue in our adoption journey I realize we are truly blessed to be living the life we are living today. Matt and I continue to tackle the world 1 laugh at a time and being married to my best friend who lets me be me (in all my true dorkiness) is a blessing. Course I let him be his major dorky self as well - so we are a good fit. A favorite quote comes to mind:
We are all a little weird and
Life's a little weird,
And when we find someone whose
Weirdness is compatible with ours,
We join up with them and fall in
Mutual weirdness and call it Love.
~ Dr. Seuss
It was around this time last year that we began discussing what we wanted to do with our life. Do we do more IVF cycles? Do we say game over for good? Do we want bio children or do we just want to be parents? Are we open to adoption? We dug deep and were honest and I said to Matt - I can't imagine our life without a child - I truly just want to be a mom. I don't really care how that happens. He stole my heart when he said the same thing to me. He was open to 1 more IVF cycle if I wanted to go that route but then it would be game over if it didn't work. My heart said nope that just doesn't feel right. Adoption feels right - adoption brings peace. So here I am - a year older - maybe a bit wiser??? (OK not in geography, math or anything important). :) We are just a couple short weeks away from circulation and receiving the phone call that will turn our weird little world upside down. Can't think of a better present in my 37th year. :)
And my gift to all of you is the freedom to laugh your ass off at our dorkiness in action. :) I'm including a link to our adoption video. Feel free to leave a comment - be kind. ;) It's the real us through and through - so I'm just sure someones bound to love us enough to bless us with a child. :)
Until next time...
